Top 10 Reasons Why We’re Definitely Not Rapists


1. Roofies aren’t even that great. Seriously. There’s so much drool.

2. My big says no one’s allowed to sleepover. So we just throw girls outside blackout drunk knowing they’ll find their way home okay.

3. Molly makes our dicks soft. Can’t rape a gal with a half chubbie, no matter how much Viagra you take.

4. We have sisters. So yeah, we like women! Billy even voted for Hillary back in 2012. And some of our best friends are girls.

5. Crying is really annoying. It’s better when they’re passed out. Ugh fuck, I mean… rape is wrong.

6. Don’t pay attention to that last one.

7. None of our parents were rapists. We checked.

8.  By law, if it’s wet, there’s consent.

9.  Most of us are upper-middle class white kids. White people don’t rape. That’s just a fact.

10.  That’d be like… the worst hazing ever. Not like I would know. Just a guess.