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On Campus

Articles Lifestyle On Campus 

NYU To Open New Residence Hall On Rikers Island

May 8, 2017May 8, 2017 Dan Quayle

NYU’s Residential Life & Housing Services made an astonishing announcement today by unveiling plans for a new Freshman dormitory, conveniently located

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Academics Articles Lifestyle On Campus 

College Improv Troupe Invites Students To Take A Study Break, Watch Some Bad Comedy

April 27, 2017 John Frey

Local NYU Improv troupe “Improvulation” has invited all of NYU to attend their final show of the semester. According to the

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Articles Lifestyle On Campus 

NYU A Cappella Group’s Self Awareness Hits Record Low

April 24, 2017April 24, 2017 Harriet Chubman

NYU’s numerous a cappella groups reached an historic point this weekend at their joint “Spring Jamz” concert in which not

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Articles Lifestyle On Campus 

NYU To Test Self-Driving Buses By Firing All Drivers, Hoping For Best

April 19, 2017 Murray Samsonite

NYU will be firing all of its bus drivers this week. As such, when next semester begins, the university will

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Articles On Campus 

Enormous Rat Asks What Your Housing Plans Are For Next Year

April 12, 2017 John Frey

According to insider sources, an enormous rat is wondering what you were thinking of doing for housing next year. This

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Articles On Campus 

STUDENT VOICES: “I Love College And Do Not Regret Anything Wait What Are You Doi–”

April 11, 2017 Air Bud

Feeling satisfied and proud about her college career, CAS senior Paula Schettler looks forward to answering questions about her NYU

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Articles On Campus Opinion 

OPINION: CAS Senior Running For City Council Might Be Severely Unqualified, Potentially Fucking Over Thousands of New Yorkers, But At Least He’s Putting Himself Out There, Y’Know?

April 10, 2017April 10, 2017 Murray Samsonite

Campus has been abuzz this week with the news that Chetan Hebbur (it’s pronounced Nit with a “wit”), a senior in

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Articles On Campus Opinion 

Debate Team Unable To Decide What To Get For Lunch

April 6, 2017 Julius Sneezer

Despite hours of intense deliberation, NYU’s debate team has been unable to reach a decision over what to get for

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Articles Lifestyle On Campus 

Freshman’s Article On Medium Shockingly Well Written

March 29, 2017March 29, 2017 Murray Samsonite

In a shocking turn of events, the NYU community was rocked by revelations that freshman Rodrick Simpleton’s Medium article was

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Articles CAS On Campus 

You’ll Never Guess What These Silver Bathrooms Look Like Today!

March 28, 2017March 28, 2017 Frederick Krueger

The same. They look the fucking same. I don’t know what to tell you. They haven’t renovated those bathrooms in,

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Articles Lifestyle On Campus 

We’re All Interested In The Cherry Blossom Festival. All of Us.

March 23, 2017March 23, 2017 Margaret Twatwood

Fallen velvet petals beckon our aching heels Rustling in mother nature’s breath between blade of grass and strong red root

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Articles On Campus 

Peace Corps To Begin Placing New Recruits in Weinstein

March 8, 2017March 8, 2017 Murray Samsonite

Beginning this fall, the Peace Corps will begin placing new recruits in Weinstein. The placement is part of a larger

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Articles Lifestyle On Campus 

School Pride: A Poem

March 5, 2017March 5, 2017 Michael Sarah

I love my school I love our colors purple and white I love my school Yesterday me and a squirrel

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Administration Articles Lifestyle On Campus 

John Sexton Forms 1860s Irish Immigrant Gang Out Of Boredom

March 4, 2017March 4, 2017 Murray Samsonite

In an apparent nod to Martin Scorsese’s 2002 film Gangs of New York, President Emeritus John Sexton formed an 1860s-style

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Articles Lifestyle On Campus 

BREAKING: Jay’s Mom Staying On The Couch For Awhile, Apparently

March 3, 2017March 3, 2017 Margaret Twatwood

Jay’s Mom (Tufts ’88), mom of Jay (Gallatin ’19), has reportedly been bunking in her son’s UHall room for about three

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Articles Lifestyle On Campus 

Woefully Misguided Pike Junior Really Excited To Study A Broad

March 1, 2017 Paul Schart

Pike junior Bradley Bradford, a Stern finance major, was in for a rude awakening this week after misreading multiple NYU

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Articles On Campus Opinion 

STUDENT VOICES: Should I Stay In New York After Graduation Or Live A Life Of Happiness?

February 23, 2017February 22, 2017 Air Bud

Weighing out her options before graduation in May, Tisch senior May Weathers can’t decide if she should stay in New

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Articles On Campus Uncategorized 

Campus Mugger Revealed To Be Two Tisch Kids Doing “Helping Hands” Drama Exercise

February 22, 2017February 22, 2017 Murray Samsonite

After a rash of muggings on campus this past month, students are concerned about safety when walking through key areas,

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Academics Articles On Campus 

Senile Professor Sets Aside 45 Minutes In Lecture Plan For Meandering Anecdote

February 21, 2017February 21, 2017 John Frey

According to inside sources, 70-year-old Film Studies professor Rick Warren has set aside a 45 minute block of time in

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Articles On Campus 

NYU Republicans Call For Transfer Student Ban

February 15, 2017February 15, 2017 Dan Quayle

The scene outside of President Andy Hamilton’s office late Tuesday evening was not a pretty one, as NYU College Republicans

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Articles On Campus 

Acquaintance Noticeably Absent From Sophomore Year Rooming Plans

February 13, 2017February 13, 2017 Paul Schart

Early roommate negotiations are currently underway for the 2016-2017 academic year, and acquaintance Bobby Franklin is noticeably absent from his

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Administration Articles On Campus 

NYU Institutes Policy Of “Extreme Vetting” After Dangerous Extremist Incites Violence On Campus

February 3, 2017February 3, 2017 Julius Sneezer

With the dust beginning to settle after the speaking engagement of far right extremist Gavin McInnes, attention has turned to how

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Administration Articles On Campus 

CAMPUS PROFILES: Meet The Graphic Designer Who Photoshops Medical Degrees For The Health Center

February 1, 2017 Dan Quayle

Among the dozens of amazing people that work at NYU, few are as important as Kelly Wyatt, a graphic designer

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Articles On Campus Steinhardt 

Edward Snowden Found Hiding In South Elevator Of Barney Building

January 26, 2017January 26, 2017 Dan Quayle

The custodial staff at NYU’s Barney Building made a shocking discovery last Friday when they found former CIA employee and

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Academics Articles On Campus 

“Two Truths And A Lie” Icebreaker Solves Cold Case Of Professor’s Dead Wife

January 25, 2017January 25, 2017 Rachel Slur

On the first day of “Introduction To Introductions,” Professor Stephen Gilroy was shocked when a simple icebreaking game of Two

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Articles On Campus 

Faculty & Students Agree: New Mercer St. Building’s Beautiful Roof Garden Makes Us Forget About Slavery In NYU-Abu Dhabi

December 15, 2016December 15, 2016 Murray Samsonite

After NYU released the plans for 181 Mercer St., the all-purpose building that is replacing Coles on Mercer and Bleecker,

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Academics Articles On Campus 

Double Monday Schedule Sends Fragile Sophomore Over Edge Of Reality

December 13, 2016December 13, 2016 Maya Wife

In order to make up for a previous long weekend, NYU has decided this finals week to have two Monday

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Articles On Campus 

WSP Fountain Sadly Sloshes Back To East River For Winter Hibernation

November 30, 2016November 30, 2016 Maya Wife

As temperatures drop and students prepare for the harsh winter, so has the water filling the Washington Square Park fountain,

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Articles On Campus 

President Hamilton To Change Name Of Third North To Earl Grey

November 29, 2016November 29, 2016 Britney Shakespears

With his first 100 days nearing an end, President Andrew Hamilton has expanded his plans to improve NYU by implementing

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Articles On Campus 

7 Things Your Horrible Roommate Probably Did While You Were Gone For Thanksgiving

November 28, 2016November 28, 2016 Carolyn Keene

They made intricate dot paintings on the wall using your toothpaste. They overfed your pet fish because they wanted it to

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Articles Lifestyle On Campus 

I’m A Ghost Stuck In A 9th Floor Kimmel Painting And I’m So Sick Of This View

November 17, 2016November 17, 2016 Maya Wife

Please, please help me. I can’t take this anymore. I’ve been trapped in this portrait of NYU donors for 14

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Academics Articles On Campus 

Kid Who Always Brings Skateboard To Class Definitely Going To Argue With Professor Again Today

November 16, 2016November 16, 2016 John Frey

You heard it here first, folks: that kid who brings his weird skateboard into the lecture hall with him is

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Academics Articles Lifestyle On Campus 

NYU Announces Plan To Build Literal Bubble

November 14, 2016November 14, 2016 Frederick Krueger

Last Tuesday’s election results support that fact that the United States suffers from “coastal bubbles,” centers of liberal thought concentrated

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Articles On Campus 

INVESTIGATIVE REPORT: Andrew Hamilton Accounts For 18% Of Total Dining Hall Usage

November 13, 2016 Britney Shakespears

In a study conducted over the course of the semester, dining hall staff across campus have concluded based on meal

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Articles On Campus 

Friendly! My Professor Invited Me To His House While His Wife Is On Vacation

November 11, 2016November 11, 2016 Michael Sarah

This week Sarah Connor’s heart was warmed after her professor’s invitation to come to his home while his wife is

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Articles On Campus 

Pike Members To All Begin Identifying As “Innocent Until Proven Guilty”

November 7, 2016November 7, 2016 Paul Schart

As members of one of the country’s most progressively-minded universities, students and groups across NYU have been quick to embrace

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Articles On Campus 

RA In Decoration Hell As Multiple Holiday Seasons Loom

November 5, 2016November 5, 2016 Britney Shakespears

With Halloween over, RAs all over campus are experiencing mental breakdowns as they frantically prepare hall decorations and floor events

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Articles Lifestyle On Campus 

Perpetual, Uninterrupted Sadness Now Requirement For Financial Aid

November 2, 2016November 2, 2016 Jack Sass

According to well-placed sources within the NYU administration, on Wednesday the Office of Financial Aid made amendments to the financial aid agreement.

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Articles On Campus 

NYU Health Center Security Guard Gets Little Thrill Every Time Student Doesn’t Have ID

November 1, 2016November 1, 2016 Air Bud

Sources confirmed Tuesday that every time an NYU student doesn’t have their ID on them before an appointment, the security

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Articles On Campus 

Sophomore Couple Agrees To Delay Break-Up By One Day For Sake Of Joint Costume

October 31, 2016October 31, 2016 Maya Wife

As the night of Halloween approaches, sophomore couple Stacy LeBlanc and Andrew Perry have mutually decided to delay the end

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Articles Lifestyle On Campus 

Every Member of This Washington Square Park Performance Troupe The Child of a Messy Divorce

October 27, 2016October 27, 2016 John Frey

Cal, Blossom, Troy, and Angelina are four Tisch students with two things in common: they all like organizing impromptu nightly

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Articles Lifestyle On Campus 

Sorority Rush Kicks Off With High-Heeled Race Up Kimmel Stairs

October 26, 2016October 26, 2016 Maya Wife

Due to NYU’s large student body, city campus, and lack of community, many new students find themselves feeling lonely, and

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Academics Articles On Campus 

Andy Hamilton’s Proposal To Turn Gallatin Into Clown College Scrapped Amid Recent Panic

October 23, 2016October 23, 2016 Jack Sass

There were many sadly painted faces on Saturday night, as news filtered in that Andrew Hamilton’s idea to turn Gallatin

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Articles Lifestyle On Campus 

Guy Catcalling In Washington Square Park Just Saying Hey To Actual Cat

October 22, 2016October 22, 2016 Michael Sarah

Steinhardt sophomore Allie Fairwinkle was almost offended when she found that the guy catcalling her in Washington Square Park was

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Articles Lifestyle On Campus 

Roommate’s Weird Friend Getting Way Too Comfortable Using Fridge

October 21, 2016 John Frey

Dale Stewart, a Stern sophomore, has reportedly observed on a number of occasions his roommate’s weird friend using the shared

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Articles Lifestyle On Campus 

New Study Finds Correlation Between Popularity, Unlimited Metrocard Ownership

October 20, 2016October 20, 2016 Britney Shakespears

A recent study on levels of social satisfaction amongst NYU students released by researchers at Langone this past Wednesday found a surprising correlation between

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Articles On Campus 

BREAKING: RA Holding Floor Hostage Until Residents Develop Sense of Community

October 11, 2016October 10, 2016 John Frey

Reports are pouring in from the twelfth floor of University Hall, where an ongoing situation is currently developing. RA Mandy

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Articles Lifestyle On Campus 

Alone All Weekend, Student Has Free-For-All With Roommate’s Shampoo, Groceries

October 10, 2016October 10, 2016 Air Bud

With her roommate out of town for the weekend, CAS senior Jill Summers enjoyed unmitigated access to her shampoo and

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Articles Lifestyle On Campus 

NYU Pike Chapter Endorses Trump

October 8, 2016October 8, 2016 Julius Sneezer

With only weeks to go until election day, NYU’s own Pi Kappa Alpha chapter has finally made its decision on who

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Articles On Campus Sports 

Ghosts Who Once Haunted Coles Gym Now NYU 2031’s Latest Victims

October 5, 2016October 5, 2016 Frederick Krueger

The demolition of the Jerome S. Coles Sports Center, NYU’s oldest gym, will reportedly displace 25 once-living beings who, for

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Articles On Campus 

BREAKING: No One At NYU Offended For Five Whole Minutes

October 4, 2016October 4, 2016 Jack Sass

In a shocking turn, not one NYU student was offended between 12:11pm and 12:17pm last Tuesday, sources say. “I’m honestly

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Articles On Campus 

Brittany Hall Council Approves Switch From RAs to Secret Police In Addition to Enhanced Interrogation Techniques

September 30, 2016September 30, 2016 Reese Witherfork

Strange things happening in Freshman dorms are par for the course, but Brittany residents suspect something more sinister is afoot

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Articles On Campus 

NYU To Start Charging Broker Fees For On-Campus Housing

September 28, 2016October 6, 2016 Maya Wife

NYU has always prided itself on its dedication to fully immersing students in the lifestyle of New York City — from

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Articles Lifestyle On Campus 

Lone NYU Republican Prepares For Crazy Evening of Heckling TV By Himself

September 26, 2016September 26, 2016 Dan Quayle

CAS Senior Jeffrey Lee has spent the last four months eagerly awaiting what he calls, “the takedown of the century.” Four

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Articles Lifestyle On Campus 

RA Actually Does Want To Be The Bad Guy Here

September 24, 2016September 24, 2016 John Frey

According to multiple sources from within Rubin Hall, 4th floor RA Terry Wilson has admitted that he “actually does want

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article
Articles On Campus Sports 

NYU Football Team Captain Pretty Fucking Tired of Everyone Thinking They Don’t Exist

September 23, 2016September 23, 2016 Dan Quayle

For years now NYU students have been yucking it up about their school’s apparent apathy towards any sort of physical

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Articles Lifestyle On Campus 

NYU Bus Drops Depressed Sophomore Off At Rock Bottom

September 22, 2016September 22, 2016 Murray Samsonite

In an cruel nod to “Spongebob Squarepants,” a depressed sophomore was dropped off by an NYU bus at a stop

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Articles On Campus 

Recent NYU Graduate Fakes Death, Reenrolls For Free HBO GO Account

September 20, 2016September 20, 2016 Michael Sarah

Reports are coming in tonight that detail the efforts of Sarah Burns, a recent NYU graduate who attempted to fake her

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Articles Lifestyle On Campus Sports 

CONTROVERSY: NYU Quidditch Team Kneels During Harry Potter Theme Song at Home Opener

September 19, 2016September 19, 2016 Reese Witherfork

NYU’s most prominent athletic team took a stand, or rather a knee, for what they believe in this week during

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Articles Lifestyle On Campus 

Kid With Acoustic Guitar Definitely Worst Thing At This Party

September 17, 2016September 17, 2016 Reese Witherfork

Aden Gratzky had it all figured out. He and his new roommates were finally about to throw a rager in

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Administration Articles Lifestyle On Campus 

John Sexton Spotted Begging New Students For Hugs

September 7, 2016September 7, 2016 Rachel Slur

NYU President Emeritus John Sexton was spotted crouched in the bushes of Washington Square Park late Tuesday evening according to

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Recently Divorced Advisor Encouraging Students To Just Give Up Now
Headlines 

Recently Divorced Advisor Encouraging Students To Just Give Up Now

November 10, 2016 Air Bud Comments Off on Recently Divorced Advisor Encouraging Students To Just Give Up Now
Graduating Senior Wondering How To Inform Parents She’s Moving Back Home Forever
Headlines 

Graduating Senior Wondering How To Inform Parents She’s Moving Back Home Forever

October 26, 2016 Air Bud Comments Off on Graduating Senior Wondering How To Inform Parents She’s Moving Back Home Forever
Stern Student Going As “Financial Success” For Halloween This Year
Headlines Stern 

Stern Student Going As “Financial Success” For Halloween This Year

October 23, 2016 Air Bud Comments Off on Stern Student Going As “Financial Success” For Halloween This Year
Junior Amazing At Life™, Terrible At Life
Headlines 

Junior Amazing At Life™, Terrible At Life

October 15, 2016 Air Bud Comments Off on Junior Amazing At Life™, Terrible At Life
Sophomore Can’t Sit In Washington Square Park Without Fear of Being Interviewed
Headlines 

Sophomore Can’t Sit In Washington Square Park Without Fear of Being Interviewed

October 4, 2016 Air Bud Comments Off on Sophomore Can’t Sit In Washington Square Park Without Fear of Being Interviewed
Senior Running Late For Class Just Skips Whole Week
Headlines 

Senior Running Late For Class Just Skips Whole Week

October 3, 2016 Air Bud Comments Off on Senior Running Late For Class Just Skips Whole Week
Freshman Takes Picture In Front of WSP Arch With Caption “My City <3"
Headlines 

Freshman Takes Picture In Front of WSP Arch With Caption “My City <3"

September 13, 2016 Air Bud Comments Off on Freshman Takes Picture In Front of WSP Arch With Caption “My City <3"
Headlines Other 

Second Semester Senior With Headphones In Unaware That His Life Is About To Get Really Shitty

December 10, 2015 Dick Tarpis Comments Off on Second Semester Senior With Headphones In Unaware That His Life Is About To Get Really Shitty
Headlines Other 

Group Message From Past Class Unnecessarily Still Active

December 10, 2015 Air Bud Comments Off on Group Message From Past Class Unnecessarily Still Active
Headlines Other 

Junior Calls In Sick To Whole Life

December 10, 2015 Air Bud Comments Off on Junior Calls In Sick To Whole Life
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