NEW YORK, NY–While viewing Mapplethorpe’s “Self-Portrait”, in which the artist sticks a riding crop in his own anus, in the University Hall Commons, Ryan Stephens remarked to a friend, “Wow, that’s really gay”, and was immediately torn to pieces by roving homosexuals and their companions (colloquially known as “fag hags”).
“It actually was a very gay picture,” said Ryan’s friend Juan Gutierrez, who was horrified and confused about his friend’s grisly murder. “There was a lot of homosexual content. It made sense!”
Washington Square Local found Miranda Wilkinson, freshman, holding Stephens’ dismembered pinky. She said, “I just thought that here, in New York City, we were past that and could expect to see some tolerance. I thought wrong.”
Pack leader of the gays, Kyle Montalban, said “We smelled homophobia and our instincts took over. We won’t apologize for dealing justice swiftly and deftly.” LGTBQ President Vanessa Ritturo commended the work of the pack gays as she literally shit on Stephens’ grave while screaming “Death to heteronormativity!”