Everyone In Campus Dining Hall Sees You Eating Alone

“They just kind of sit there, eating pizza, slowly dying alone,” reports Jerald Hanner, Third North chef and generally nice person, on seeing a student eating alone for the fifth time this week, despite it being Wednesday. “I get that they might enjoy solitude, but there’s a difference between independence and soul shattering loneliness,” comments Jerald, who then eerily gazed off into the distance until the burgers needed to be flipped.

“They need to go. I’m not saying they can’t come in here, but maybe bring a friend or two. I get so depressed seeing them sip their soup alone. I just get a to go box,” says Tim Timmerman, campus food eater and little more.

In order to solve the issue, NYU has added a required plus one to every meal swipe, in order to assure that if you do plan to eat in silence, it should at least be an awkward silence.