Josie’s Now Selling Cocaine Out Of Vending Machines

NEW YORK, NY — In response repeated incidents of cocaine dealing between patrons and bouncers, owners of popular campus drinkery Josie Woods’ Pub recently installed cocaine dispensers in the bathrooms next to the tampon and condom machines.

“Hey, why beat around the bush?” said bar owner Tad Mathgas, explaining that he was “just cutting out the middle man – who are also my employees – and putting more money” into his own pocket. “These kids eat nose sugar like they have a fuckin’ insulin deficiency”.

Since the installation, more kids have reported hanging out with the white bitch and enjoying Ke$ha’s “Timber”.