NYU Adopts Bitter Rivalry With Local Community College

NEW YORK, NY — Stating that the move is a much needed panacea for the widespread lack of school spirit, NYU administrators announced that, as of 2014, NYU is officially bitter rivals with the Borough of Manhattan Community College. “We’re excited to have BMCC fill the much needed role as the ultimate and final adversary of our great university,” said outgoing NYU President John Sexton, adding that a coherent university culture can’t develop without something to unconditionally hate. “I’m proud to say we officially hate the Panthers. Panthers? What kind of a mascot is that?” said Sexton while standing in front of the Bobcat and Housie Maguire. The Administration projects that the newfound rivalry, along with the promise of free food, clothing, books, DVD’s and several other commodities, will result in a 3-4% increase in basketball game attendance. “For the love of God please just come”, said Sexton, grabbing this reporter’s sleeve as he tried to leave the room.