Pike junior Bradley Bradford, a Stern finance major, was in for a rude awakening this week after misreading multiple NYU communiqués and convincing himself that he had been selected to study “a broad.” On the day of his “miracle”, he spoke with his fraternity brothers, conceding that the program felt a little “old-timey,” but was definitely of the utmost importance.
After the mandatory high-fiving of everyone in the frat, Mr. Bradford began filling out the requisite forms online to get his studies in motion. After instinctively declining the opportunity to “go down under,” Bradley was disappointed to learn that Sydney was thereby eliminated from the running, considering the technically true fact that “Sydney sounded hot.” However, things began looking back up again when Mr. Bradford realized that Florence was an option, especially since Florence sounded “freaky as shit.”
It was not until Mr. Bradford visited the NYU Global Office, or “where all the foreign chicks are,” with enough Valium to knock out an entire high school and his dick out that the he realized his mistake. The work-study sophomores unfortunate enough to be working in the NYU Global Office that day handled the situation with as much ease and grace as one could hope for considering the situation.
Mr. Bradford was quickly escorted back to the Pike fraternity, where he fucked a lasagna since “it’s the next best thing.”