NEW YORK, NY — After being alone for the past two Valentine’s Days, despite his best efforts, Craig Colonos has officially decided to just “do the whole gay thing” and go blow dudes.
“I just don’t understand girls. What do they want?,” said the junior English major who has never seen a penis besides his own. “Sometimes I’m like ‘let’s date’ and they’re like ‘nooooo I just wanna have fun in college’ then with other girls I’m like ‘we’re just having fun I have no emotions’ and they’re ‘like why can’t you commit’ so I think I’m just gonna switch over to dudes.”
“Yeah, I’m gonna do all of it,” continued Colonos, noting that “sloppy blowies, butt stuff, and shooting off another dude’s dick Robocop-style” are all on his “gay to-do” list. “Girls are just too hard, man.”
When asked to comment on the situation, gender and sexuality studies department Professor Michael Wallace, said that it seems astonishing that Colonos has seemingly made a clear choice to be gay when prevailing scientific literature proves that’s just not how it works.
“Look, sexual orientation is dictated by genetic code,” explained Wallace, who stated that Colonos is probably “just some loser who can’t seal the deal” and that he’s in for a big wake-up call. “Dating anybody, male or female, is going to suck if you’re absolute shit at dating.”
Colonos said he’s not opposed to returning to vaginas at some point in his life, but for now, he’s sticking to the peen.