NYU Journalist With Some Goddamn Integrity Will Die Before He Refers To Hayden As “Lipton Hall”

Last week, President Hamilton officially announced plans that Hayden Hall will be renamed “Lipton Hall” in June, just in time to be referred to as such for the 2016-2017 academic year. After a little bit of digging, it was confirmed that this change of name for HAYDEN Hall is complete and utter bullshit.

The month, June. The year, 1776. Thomas Jefferson, with the backing of John Adams, was selected to draft the first iteration of a document that would change history. On July 2nd, 1776, Jefferson presented the Second Continental Congress with this document; two days later, it was signed by all fifty-six members who were gathered that day. This document was our Declaration of Independence, proclaiming that we would no longer fall under the tyranny of the British Empire.

Where has that fight gone? King Hamilton has come to our shore and he has taken what we hold dearest. What am I supposed to call Hayden cookies? I’m sure as hell not going to call them Lipton cookies, because that shit is disrespectful to history; however, I also cannot in good faith refer to them as merely “cookies.” They deserve better than to be called cookies.

Lipton is a brand of iced tea, not a dorm with a proud tradition of smoking weed out the window. If you google image search “Lipton”, approximately 3% of the results are of (and I’m not kidding) a frog drinking Lipton tea. Who the fuck does he think he is? Frogs don’t drink tea. They eat flies and have their legs cut off by French people.

Similarly, we at NYU are having our legs cut off by an Englishman. If NYU is a body, then Bobst is the brain, Tisch is the heart, Stern is the penis, Steinhardt is the mouth, Silver is the arms or some shit, Gallatin is the weird haircut you regret, CAS is the hands, Polytechnic (because nobody gives a FUCK about using new names) is the eyeglasses, and HAYDEN HALL is the legs, because HAYDEN COOKIES KEEP ME GOING.

I will NEVER refer to Hayden Hall as Lipton Hall. I will live with the birds in Washington Square Park before I call it “Lipton.” I will eat the entire Hayden salad bar (even the fucking tofu) the moment it is served every day for a thousand years in protest before I will dare to call it the Lipton salad bar. I will stand before God with the blood of a martyr on my hands before I call it “Lipton.” I will die before an evil edifice named Lipton takes what I love from me. We cannot let King Hamilton do this to us. We must throw him in the ocean, leaving him to tread water as he thinks about what he has done, along with whoever the fuck Lipton is.


UPDATE: It was not Andrew Hamilton’s idea to rename Hayden, and Martin Lipton is receiving this honor due to his remarkable service to the school. WSL has fired Benjamin Gates II, who has been acting under the pen name “Paul Schart” and replaced him with a less patriotic writer.