BREAKING: Roommate Definitely Lying About Not Using Your Shampoo

After a month of suspicion and various hypotheses, it has been confirmed with certainty that your roommate is definitely lying about not using your shampoo. The investigation found that the lying rat­faced bastard has been using your shampoo for a solid month now, and it’s not like he’s too poor to afford $5 for Head & Shoulders.

This finding was based on an ever­-growing mountain of evidence, including (but not limited to): a basic sense of smell, the shame in that sack of shit’s eyes when he was confronted, and droplets of blue shampoo like the love juices of the “Avatar” people all over the place.

There is a second investigation under way investigating just how the hell an entire roll of toilet paper was finished in a single godforsaken day.