Hamster Powering Albert Goes On Strike

It’s a stressful time of year for all members of the NYU community as registration approaches, but especially for the sole hamster whose tiny legs power the entire Albert system on which NYU relies. After years of neglect, harsh working conditions, and not enough carrots, Chuckles the hamster has gotten out of his wheel and will not go back until his demands are met. “I just want a modicum of respect,” says the small rodent that powers the system thousands of students have to use in a span of four days. “I’d also like a less squeaky wheel.”

Many students were unsurprised to learn that NYU would place so much responsibility on a single rodent. “It makes sense, I guess,” said sophomore Trevor Winkles. “After their success at skirting international human rights conventions in Abu Dhabi, I knew they would find a way to employ slave labor here in NYC.” Students have come out in fervent support of Chuckles, but mostly for their own hopes of getting a new course registration system. NYU has responded in typical fashion, stating in a school wide email, “We hear your concerns, and are looking at new options for the Albert registration system: Guinea pigs, mice, lizards, itinerant workers, all sort of pets. Now please pay the newly enforced ‘student protest’ Bursar fee to cover the cost of your free speech.”