With finals approaching and assignments stacking up, sly CAS freshman Joey Slurp has discovered the perfect strategy for meeting his professor’s required minimum length: margins, margins, margins. Upon realizing his upcoming essay due for Texts & Ideas was not at all close to reaching the 5 page mark, Joey found himself panicked about the paper, until he discovered the “layout” option on Microsoft Word 2010.
While lesser mortals have attempted similar tricks in the past, such as fudging font size, indents, and spacing, nobody has ever dared to openly change their margins miles past the accepted borders — until Joey. Simply by expanding the top margin from the standard 1” to 1000”, the first page of his essay only had room for about 5 sentences: the perfect amount of content. Joey Slurp, or “Slurpee” as he asked WSL to call him, has already begun to receive the proper accolades from his peers, as freshman girls fling themselves at the cunning fox smart enough to cheat the system that is academia.
Now that Joey has discovered the secret to conquering college, he’s looking forward to the next four years of dominance over his silly classmates. He has not yet heard back from his professor regarding the grade of his 226 word, 6 page essay, but he feels confident he’s got a fat juicy A coming his way. While the content of his paper was brief and barely coherent, Joey knows how this game works: if your assignment is long enough, no teacher will think to look deeper at what the paragraphs actually say. After all, this is the same Joey that got on his high school’s Honor Roll TWO years out of four. This master of bullshit knows what he’s doing.
Following up on his brilliant innovation in essay formatting, Slurp is looking forward to finding his next prodigal achievement: perhaps changing his major to CIA Sleuthing, or applying to NASA’s prestigious Young Masterminds program. After this, nothing’s out of reach!