Newly admitted CAS freshman Ellie Millstone was thoroughly enjoying Weekend on the Square when she excused herself to use the bathroom in Bobst at around 3:05 PM on Saturday afternoon. Millstone returned from the experience a fully changed woman.
“You know, I was so sure that I was going to commit to NYU,” Millstone said. “But I am no longer the girl I was before. I… have seen things. Horrible things.”
Millstone, shaking and covered with an army blanket, would not divulge the details of her experience to reporters.
“I have seen what evil man is truly capable of,” Millstone whispered, “That is all you need to know. ‘Global network university’ my ass. My ass!”
The prospective freshman revealed that not only was she rethinking her decision to attend NYU, but she also was questioning her will to live as a whole. Millstone’s distraught parents attempted to distract her from the pain by flipping through a course catalogue with her, but Millstone continued to weep unabated. Her mother, Brenda Millstone, worried that, “she may need years of therapy to recover.”