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Author: Whoopie Goldblum

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Articles Lifestyle On Campus 

Incoming Freshman Having Second Thoughts After Using Bobst Bathroom

April 18, 2016April 18, 2016 Whoopie Goldblum

Newly admitted CAS freshman Ellie Millstone was thoroughly enjoying Weekend on the Square when she excused herself to use the

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Articles On Campus 

BREAKING: Bernie Sanders Trampled At Own Rally By Adoring Undergraduates

April 13, 2016April 13, 2016 Whoopie Goldblum

Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders caused a stampede at his own rally in Washington Square Park today, with approximately 2,000

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Articles Lifestyle 

Senior Going To Do Her Own Goddamn Taxes This Year

April 11, 2016April 11, 2016 Whoopie Goldblum

In a move that reportedly shocked hundreds, senior Brooke Wilson has decided to file her own taxes this week, because

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Academics Articles 

Professor With Three PhDs Unaware Teaching Uninterested Teenagers Was a Job Requirement

April 6, 2016April 6, 2016 Whoopie Goldblum

In an exclusive interview with Washington Square Local, history Professor Ellen Cooper told reporters she was, “confused by the fact that

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Smiling technician servicing a hot-water heater
Articles Lifestyle On Campus 

Area Plumbing School Boasts Higher Graduate Employment Rate Than NYU

March 29, 2016March 29, 2016 Whoopie Goldblum

According to recent reports, graduates of Eddie’s Plumbing and Waste Management Vocational School in Newark, New Jersey have far outpaced

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intern serves coffee
Academics Articles Lifestyle 

Freshman’s Unpaid Internship First in Long String of Bad Career Decisions

March 11, 2016March 11, 2016 Whoopie Goldblum

Journalism major Jane Sullivan was reportedly “super excited” when she heard she was hired as an intern at GlamGurl magazine,

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janitor
Articles Lifestyle On Campus 

Dining Hall Janitor Hates You More Than You Will Ever Know

February 29, 2016February 29, 2016 Whoopie Goldblum

30-year-employee of NYU Dining Eddie Johnson reportedly hates you, and all of your dumb-ass friends, with a fury that you

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standing_ovation
Academics Articles CAS Uncategorized 

Professor’s Uncharacteristic Use of Humor Shocks, Delights Class

January 27, 2016January 27, 2016 Whoopie Goldblum

Students in Monday’s Economics of Medieval European Industries morning lecture experienced an unusual disturbance around 8:46 A.M. “I could feel it

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Headlines 

Dining Hall Ice Cream Machine Last Cleaned Before Sexton’s Inauguration Party

December 7, 2015December 7, 2015 Whoopie Goldblum
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Headlines Tisch 

Tisch Junior’s Special Skills Include “Accents – All of Them”

December 7, 2015December 7, 2015 Whoopie Goldblum
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Headlines 

Vegan Sophomore Attempts Horribly Insensitive “Turkey Lives Matter” Protest

December 7, 2015December 7, 2015 Whoopie Goldblum
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Gallatin Other 

Senior Has Spent More Money on Coffee Over Three Years than Rent, Food Combined

November 19, 2015November 19, 2015 Whoopie Goldblum
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Headlines Other 

New Study Shows Same Daughtry Song Has Been Playing in Downstein Since 2006

November 9, 2015November 9, 2015 Whoopie Goldblum
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Headlines Other Uncategorized 

John Sexton Emails Andrew Hamilton Full Account of Abu Dhabi Labor Practices with Subject Line: “Your Problem Now, Motherfucker”

November 9, 2015November 9, 2015 Whoopie Goldblum
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Headlines 

Toxicology Report Shows Water in Washington Square Park Fountain is 90% Urine of Squirrels, Drunk Freshmen

October 19, 2015October 19, 2015 Whoopie Goldblum
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Headlines 

Wellness Center Hotline Announces They Now Charge $0.99 per Minute

October 19, 2015October 19, 2015 Whoopie Goldblum
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Headlines 

Depressed Junior Eats Expired Kimmel Pasta Salad Just to Feel Something Again

October 19, 2015October 19, 2015 Whoopie Goldblum
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Tennant_and_Tchaikowsky_as_Hamlet_and_Yorick
Headlines 

British CAS Freshman Revealed to Be Tisch Method Actor From Milwaukee

September 25, 2015September 24, 2015 Whoopie Goldblum
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DC0HDT 1980s 1990s DRUG ADDICT MAINLINING HEROIN INJECTION
Headlines 

Recent Grad Without Health Insurance Mainlines Hand Sanitizer and Hopes For The Best

September 22, 2015September 23, 2015 Whoopie Goldblum
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annex-hepburn-audrey-breakfast-at-tiffanys_02
Headlines 

Freshman Girl Buys Every Audrey Hepburn Poster On The Eastern Seaboard

September 21, 2015November 2, 2015 Whoopie Goldblum
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Spanish_Civil_War_-_Mass_grave_-_Estépar,_Burgos
Headlines 

NYU Opens New Campus in Darfur Built Entirely on Site of Mass Grave

September 17, 2015September 15, 2015 Whoopie Goldblum
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Recently Divorced Advisor Encouraging Students To Just Give Up Now
Headlines 

Recently Divorced Advisor Encouraging Students To Just Give Up Now

November 10, 2016 Air Bud Comments Off on Recently Divorced Advisor Encouraging Students To Just Give Up Now
Graduating Senior Wondering How To Inform Parents She’s Moving Back Home Forever
Headlines 

Graduating Senior Wondering How To Inform Parents She’s Moving Back Home Forever

October 26, 2016 Air Bud Comments Off on Graduating Senior Wondering How To Inform Parents She’s Moving Back Home Forever
Stern Student Going As “Financial Success” For Halloween This Year
Headlines Stern 

Stern Student Going As “Financial Success” For Halloween This Year

October 23, 2016 Air Bud Comments Off on Stern Student Going As “Financial Success” For Halloween This Year
Junior Amazing At Life™, Terrible At Life
Headlines 

Junior Amazing At Life™, Terrible At Life

October 15, 2016 Air Bud Comments Off on Junior Amazing At Life™, Terrible At Life
Sophomore Can’t Sit In Washington Square Park Without Fear of Being Interviewed
Headlines 

Sophomore Can’t Sit In Washington Square Park Without Fear of Being Interviewed

October 4, 2016 Air Bud Comments Off on Sophomore Can’t Sit In Washington Square Park Without Fear of Being Interviewed
Senior Running Late For Class Just Skips Whole Week
Headlines 

Senior Running Late For Class Just Skips Whole Week

October 3, 2016 Air Bud Comments Off on Senior Running Late For Class Just Skips Whole Week
Freshman Takes Picture In Front of WSP Arch With Caption “My City <3"
Headlines 

Freshman Takes Picture In Front of WSP Arch With Caption “My City <3"

September 13, 2016 Air Bud Comments Off on Freshman Takes Picture In Front of WSP Arch With Caption “My City <3"
Headlines Other 

Second Semester Senior With Headphones In Unaware That His Life Is About To Get Really Shitty

December 10, 2015 Dick Tarpis Comments Off on Second Semester Senior With Headphones In Unaware That His Life Is About To Get Really Shitty
Headlines Other 

Group Message From Past Class Unnecessarily Still Active

December 10, 2015 Air Bud Comments Off on Group Message From Past Class Unnecessarily Still Active
Headlines Other 

Junior Calls In Sick To Whole Life

December 10, 2015 Air Bud Comments Off on Junior Calls In Sick To Whole Life
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