NEW YORK, NY—A new report released today by the NYU Dept of Psychology revealed that 77% of NYU students felt utterly lost and hopeless in New York City’s cold concrete labyrinth while the remaining 23% really loved clubbing. “Our study found that NYU students from small towns, big cities, and foreign countries often feel like they’re doomed to a lifetime of endless soul-searching among the new pyramids of old Manhattan, unless they just like to go clubbing” said principal investigator Steve Newell, adding that while other universities and colleges have a wide spectrum of student sentiments regarding school, work, and life in general, the NYU student body’s emotional spectrum existed on just two very specific points. “Although our study found that almost 100% of NYU students lack long-term plans or a general sense of direction, a quarter of students felt directionless only because they recently snorted cocaine in a bathroom stall and not because of an overwhelming sense of dread and ennui that slowly gnaws away at their spirit.” The report went on to say that most of the students that really like clubbing are probably from New Jersey, Boston, or Long Island.
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