Last Class Bagels Don’t Make Up For Poorly Taught Seminar

In an effort to mitigate a disastrous semester, Gallatin Professor Phil Benneson decided to treat his Defense Against the Dark Arts seminar to free bagels and coffee, to no avail.

“We’ve spent three months learning jack-shit and doing busywork, and he thinks this is going to fix it?” asked Lucy Foster, a junior. “Don’t get me wrong, I love me a good strawberry cream cheese everything bagel, but nothing is going to change a wasted semester.”

Others, such as sophomore Josh Pilroy, were less harsh: “Yeah, it wasn’t a great class, but I would just get really stoned beforehand and then sit in the back,” he reported, bleary-eyed. “There wasn’t homework, or even a final. As long as you read the book, which I didn’t, you’d do fine.”

Sources tell WSL that not only was there homework and a final, there were also a series of presentations that Pilroy apparently neglected to do. At press time, there was no word on whether or not he knew he’d failed the class.