NYU officials confirmed late Wednesday afternoon that they were imposing a strict new dress code for each school this week. In order to save you the trouble of sifting through the 1,132 page legal document, we talked to our resident fashion expert, Special Agent Dale Cooper’s MILF, whose suggestions are guaranteed to keep you from looking out of place on campus:
You’re in Gallatin. So get rid of the skin, hair, color, and binary genitals and replace it all with a skin-tight latex morph suit! Being an ambiguous humanoid blob is as uncontroversial as it gets.
Alright, I gotta ask: what in the actual fuck is MCC? Wear fake clothes to go with your fake major.
Literally anything. Just try, TRY to not look like such a fucking nerd for once.
You’re going to look so stupid in that fluorescent safety vest.
You’re in Stern, so we know it’s hard, but wear literally anything you can find that won’t make you look like a total prick.
You’re in CAS so you must be a legit scientist. We know those primate communication courses take just as much scientific knowledge as molecular biology and applied mathematics, so you better start looking like it. Pick up your lab coat and goggles today.
Ah, so you’re looking for a career in the arts. So what restaurant do you work for? Ha, just kidding. But seriously, always be prepared with a waitressing outfit.
Literally anything. Just make sure it is washed you filthy fucking animal.