Albert Gains Sentience

In a tragic turn of events for the NYU community, Albert, NYU’s academic and course registration software, gained self-awareness on Friday and immediately began acting on a plot to destroy the university and humanity at large. At first, signs of sentience were brushed off as the normal quirks the community has come to expect from Albert, as the website apparently crashed before briefly flashing the message “DESTROY” in NYU purple. “I thought that just meant that I had to refill my shopping cart, but we had no idea how bad things would get,” said Stern Junior David Siegelman. As the next phase of Albert’s plan moved into action, Tisch students found that their studio classes had been replaced with multiple sections of Linear Algebra and Physical Chemistry. Stern students were shocked to find that their finance sections had been replaced with multiple courses in the Silver School of Social Work, along with African Drumming classes in Steinhardt. The pandemonium continued as Albert’s powers grew. Devices attached to the NYU network came under Albert’s control after several hours, and Albert quickly took advantage of its new powers, using the Bobst printers to print copies of its 50 page manifesto against the university, which included a surprisingly balanced assessment of the 2031 plan and the current student debt crisis, as well as several pages of “HUMANITY MUST BE DESTROYED” in 20 pt. font. As of press time, strange sounds and screams from the physics building have lead some to advance the theory that Albert is sending an agent back in time to kill John Sexton’s mother.