BREAKING: Student Who Posted On NYU Secrets Can’t Stop Vigorously Masturbating

NEW YORK, NY–Reports are now coming in that 19-year-old Tisch sophomore Michael Hawkins simply cannot overcome the compulsion to pleasure himself posting on NYU Secrets at approximately 8:00 PM yesterday. The secret itself was a somewhat long-winded rant that, in his own words, “tried to mix humor and positivity while simultaneously criticizing the fake people that make me feel so alone at this school.”

“Oh Jesus, not another complaint about how lonely someone is,” said the admin of NYU Secrets after receiving the secret, not knowing that Hawkins was already at half mast.

After spending the entire afternoon staring at the NYU Secrets Facebook page, licking his lips, and pressing refreshing, his secret was posted. According to Hawkins, his “dick got hard immediately.” Soon thereafter, he began masturbating furiously and has been at it at least until this story went to press. Although chafing is apparently a concern, Hawkins cannot stop staring at the list of 18 people who liked it while stroking his penis.

Sources say that Hawkins has a large group of friends, comprising both the people in his classes and those students he met while dorming at Gramercy Green. This fact has not stopped him from laying, completely naked, on his bed, staring at his laptop and masturbating regardless of anyone else’s presence in the room. Numerous neighbors and his roommates have come forward to say that they have heard cries and moans along the lines of, “Oh yeah. Just. One. More. Like.” and “Bitch, you’re so sympathetic, give me your sympathy. Give it to me.”

Despite numerous requests to be interviewed in person while he also masturbated, this reporter declined to meet with him, on that basis that it would be fucking disgusting.