BREAKING: Teacher’s Pet Steals Teacher’s Pet

Kevin Fuck was just your normal 4.0 GPA having Stern student, until he wasn’t. Driven by his inability to accept the end of Professor Tweed’s “Business In Suits” class, Mr. Fuck has reportedly stolen his professor’s pet canary “Tweedle Dee,” refusing to return it until given confirmation that he may retake the class in the fall.

“I have a simple request. A request we all ask for… immortality. I have enjoyed my time in Professor Tweed’s class, and do not wish for it to end. If that means stealing a bird, breaking the law, and getting kicked out of NYU, then… wait–,” commented Fuck, realizing the error in his ways, before promptly returning the bird to his professor.

“Look, anyone can kidnap a bird, but it takes a real man to apologize,” reports Professor Tweed, who was willing to let the whole situation go, and has enrolled Kevin in his next four lectures.