Finals week claims first suicide: new Starbucks barista

After an exhaustive job search, Annie Williams, 24, thought she had finally caught a break. “I’m really excited to start working this week. The weather is finally so nice, and I get to work right on the park. It seems like everything is going my way!”, she said eagerly, completely ignorant of the finals schedule of New York University.


Annie’s enthusiasm had died entirely by the third hour of her first shift, when a student handed her frappucino back to Annie, saying “Oh, no, I wanted half half-and-half and half nonfat. So like quarter-and-half.”


Annie, previously a devout Catholic, lost her faith in God and developed a crippling addiction to crank. After serving several thousand stressed students with extreme caffeine addictions, the job proved too much for Annie and she overdosed on espresso shots. A memorial will be held in the classrooms underneath Goddard from 3:15-3:45 on Saturday, but you have to leave right at 3:45 because someone reserved the room for a study session.