Five Dead Found In Housie’s Attic, Crawlspace

The mood at NYU was solemn this week after five corpses were found in the attic and crawlspace of NYU’s Inter-Residential Hall Council (IRHC) beloved mascot, Housie Maguire. The victims are suspected as being IRHC dissenters, but no official names have been released.

Maguire, 13, was a constant fixture at IRHC events, including “Torch Day,” “Violet Ball,” and “Ultraviolet Live.” Although IRHC leaders never officially defined his exact role, it’s now suspected that he acted as some sort of Gestapo for the administration, “handling” those bold enough to disagree with IRHC’s policies and practices.

“You had to ask yourself; why is this guy always smiling?” questioned Christina McMillan, a sophomore who was visibly disturbed upon hearing the news. She had skated with Maguire at IRHC’s annual “Flurry” and stated of the encounter, “He’d always come up and be so friendly, but there was always this faint smell of decomposing flesh. I brushed it off at the time.”

For now, Maguire is being held deep in Flatbush by bank authorities. Despite this horrific tragedy, many students have contacted bank officials to inquire about the possibility of a low rate lease during the 2015-2016 academic year.