Freshman From Nebraska Overwhelmed By Hanukkah

NEW YORK, NY – Mike Parnell, 18, a native of Creighton, Nebraska, had only met one Jewish person in his life before coming to NYU. Now in the midst of Hanukkah season, Mike is having some startling realizations.

“They keep saying Happy Hanukkah to me! All these people I thought were normal!” said Mike. “Do I have to say it back? Am I agreeing to a pact with Satan by doing that? I have so many questions.”

Mike was astounded when his two best friends, Shoshanna Levitz and Noah Lerner, both turned out to be dreidel-spinners. “How was I supposed to know?! I mean, it’s fine, they’re still cool, I don’t have anything against Jewish people. This is all just a lot to take in.” said Mike while nervously fiddling with his hands.

Mike’s parting words to us, before devolving into incoherent babble, were as follows: “Noah invited me to light a menorah with him. What does that mean?! Do I have to eat a foreskin?! I read about that on wikipedia. I don’t wanna eat a foreskin!”