Study: Residential Assistants Detrimental to Student Mental Health

NEW YORK, NY–After a decade of rigorous research, the NYU Department of Applied Psychology announced today that Resident Assistants are currently the number one risk to student mental health. “Just the mere presence of and RA near an individual or group of students immediately increases serotonin and dopamine reuptake, resulting in buzzkill bigger than the average hangover or running out of weed,” said the department head Dr. Eric Mears at the press conference, adding that punishing the natural human instinct to fraternize makes generations of students exit NYU as gigantic no-fun weiners. “New strains of RA continue to evolve,” Mears continued. “If every RA was as much of a joy-killing bitch as the one on the 13th floor in Palladium, and all RAs will be within 2 years according to our projections, then NYU will have a major epidemic on its hands.”

UPDATE: The press conference came to a sudden end as RAs raided the conference room on a noise violation.