Junior Depressed To Be Broken Up With Again After Months of Trying To Make It Work.



After three months of a summer fully dedicated to winning back the heart of his beloved Martha Lauren, Richard Gellhorn returned to NYU only to be re-broken up with after his first week of classes. That’s right folks. Here we fucking are again.


Things were reportedly looking bright for young Richard, having gone through the necessary courtship ordeals in order to reinstate his relationship with the love of his I was so happy. I was so fucking happy. Why can’t we just be happy? Seriously. What the fucking fuck happened. It makes no fucking sense.


But, like Lucifer, the favorite angel who inevitably must fall, Richard Gellhorn’s happiness was all but permanent.


Richard left Martha in California, where she stayed as a student at USC. After his first week of classes in New York, Richard received various texts from Martha, where she expressed signs of unhappiness. Oh- you’re unhappy that I sent you a care package, huh? You’re unhappy that I fucking took time, money and energy to make sure you knew you were on my mind and I loved you? That’s what makes you unhappy?


After a rather short texting conversation (that’s right this was via text- what a raging bitch), Martha eventually decided to call it quits once more. I should have seen this coming. How could I ever fucking think this was going to last. I was used. I’m even more pathetic than I was last time. I hate myself. I feel like I’m being swallowed by a vacuum of emptiness, seeing every fulfilled part of my soul whither away into the sands of time, never to fill me up with a warm glimpse of happiness ever again.


Through questioning, it was revealed that Martha had decided to join a sorority. Need I fucking say more? She decided to join Delta Gamma- where apparently everyone blows everyone and Frats come over to have fuck parties and jizz everywhere and holy fuck my poor baby girl, my love, my everything I can’t get it out of my head just cocks stuffing you drunk make out parties shit fuck ew fuck.


Her decision to join a sorority was followed closely by an increase in her exposure to rich, attractive and buff men who are experts in seduction and even better experts in supplying alcohol to have sex with near unconscious women. The lure of this lifestyle seemed to attract Martha more than the lure of me, I mean Richard, and so she came to the conclusion that dumping Richard was the only option. Why’d you even take me back then? Huh? Why get my fucking hopes up just to crush them again? God now I have to erase every photo I have of you so I don’t cry myself to sleep.


In light of this update, Richard has begun going to the gym 5 days a week in order to properly build his body to a point where people don’t look at him and throw up in disgust, wondering how someone so atrociously ugly can even get out of bed in the morning. I mean there’s not much I can do about my face and nose but I can at least have more mass than a piece of plastic wrap. Maybe someone will notice me. I’m so lonely. I don’t know what to do.


Please, be my friend. Be my girlfriend. My number is 818-293-5546. Call me anytime. That goes for everyone.  I’m a nice guy. Just a sensitive soul. Don’t leave me alone. Martha come back to me. I miss you. Fuck.


For more updates, stay tuned. And I hope everyone else’s school year is off to a fucking great start.