After a Thanksgiving break filled with family, food, and quiet fucking in his childhood bed while his parents slept twenty feet away, Ron Martin ’20 cannot wait to return to his hometown and have more emotionally exploitative, regrettable, passionate sex. “I’ve had sex with lots of girls this semester, like tons of girls, you don’t even know, but there’s something about the fact that this girl is friends with my parents that really elevates the lovemaking,” said Ron while using the last of his Tinder swipes on girls that he’ll talk to for half a day before realizing they aren’t still emotionally dependent on him due to how good his Promposal was.
“This allows me to maintain a solid connection to my hometown, but with no commitment or promise that I’ll pay attention to her at all after I go back to school.” As of press, his high school sweetheart, Annie, was still taking classes at the local community college and working as a waitress at Scrambl’z. “I mean, who knows,” continued Ron. “Maybe we’ll get married someday and I’ll emotionally neglect her for the rest of our lives.”