Freshman Takes iPhone into Bathroom to Masturbate
NEW YORK, NY—Noting that before college he could previously turn any room, kitchen, garage, or foyer into an impromptu yank bank, Brian Ecklesworth, NYU ’17, entered his dorm bathroom with iPhone in hand for the sole purpose of stroking the swan.
“Ugh, I feel like a sack of yogurt,” said Ecklesworth, who woke up with morning wood after three days without choking the chicken. “It’s the longest I’ve gone since 2008.”
Ecklesworth, who usually strangles the serpent in the privacy of his own sheets, had zero opportunity to yank the chain for 72 hours since his roommate spent most of time in the room after a messy break-up with a high school sweetheart. “It’s a major bummer,” lamented Ecklesworth, who has never felt the touch of another person’s hand on his Johnson.
In preparation for his trip to the whack shack, Ecklesworth browsed through potential Amanda Sarah parties to get the gears moving before the pistons started cranking. An open salami-slapping session was out of the question. However, Ecklesworth surreptitiously loaded up three different video tabs from popular pornography site, YouJizz, on his iPhone 5, a graduation gift from his grandmother.
“It took a long time to load these videos on 3G, so I guess I kind of experienced how kids milked the mongoose back in the 90’s,” said Ecklesworth. “I had to plan out how I would charm the caterpillar to and everything. It was a really humbling experience.”
Ecklesworth then casually announced to his roommate that he was going to use the bathroom and just play games on his phone, but didn’t want the sound to bother people so he was bringing headphones too. His roommate reportedly raised one eyebrow.
After a solid two minutes of ecstasy matched only by the birth of his firstborn in his life, Ecklesworth determined that he successfully delighted the dingo and farted several times in the bathroom to give an authentic fecal smell.
When asked about Ecklesworth’s activities in the bathroom, his roommate said, “He said he brought his iPhone in with headphones so he could play a game while he shat but I mean… c’mon.”
