Gallatin Renames Finals Week “Scholastic Reflection Period” to Make the Rest of Us Hate Them More

Fearing that the student body’s abiding hatred for Gallatin slowly waning, the administration announced this week that they’re taking measures to combat this change. “People hate us because they aren’t us, and this name change will be a great way for us to continue to show that we are different from the rest of the student body,” said Dean Tilda Swinton. “Finals implies a sense of linear time that I don’t feel right imposing on students who may come from a different walk of life, and we’d like to remain positive in our portrayal of academic milestones.” Meanwhile, Gallatin students complained that the final exam for “Dissecting Difference: Why Literally Nothing Matters And We Must Respect Every Viewpoint Including ISIS” relied too much on them watching a graphic video of a beheading.