Study Confirms Overall Satisfaction With Usual Hometown Hookup Decreasing Exponentially

A new study conducted by the NYU Psychology Department confirmed CAS junior Cassie Blankhardt’s suspicion that her usual hometown hookup, Chad Boonton, just wasn’t as satisfying these days.

“It was always pretty mediocre,” reports Blankhardt, who returned home to Dayton, Ohio for Spring Break. “But this last time was particularly awful.”

Citing concerns that Boonton had recently dropped out of Mechanics School and had taken to doing meth in 7-11 parking lots, Blankhardt told WSL that she was thinking of, “texting that kid from my AP US History class instead from now on.”