Malia Obama Beaten, Jailed During NYU Tour after NYPD Mistake Her for Armed Black Man

On any other day, Malia Obama might have said a normal tour of Weinstein Residence Hall was the worst possible experience she could have imagined. But after Officers Todd Etherington and Blake Kennedy were finished with her, the austere prison-like interior of the NYU residence hall must have seemed warm and inviting compared to the 4’x5’ cell she was placed in on Riker’s Island.

Eyewitnesses to the scene report that during Malia’s recent visit to NYU, the daughter of the Commander-in-Chief reached up and itched her ear, a gesture that convinced Officers Etherington and Kennedy that, “he was definitely about to pull a gun and shoot us in the face. We had to act swiftly.”

“Suspect is a heavyset black man, about 5’ 8” tall, wearing a black hooded sweatshirt, a black vest, blue jeans and red sneakers. ARMED AND DANGEROUS,” Kennedy relayed into his radio as he called the SWAT team for backup.

With the grace and agility of a two-footed dead rhinoceros, Etherington, a self-proclaimed “jelly-donut enthusiast”, somehow launched all 280 pounds of his body at Obama. “DROP YOUR WEAPON, DROP YOUR WEAPON,” shouted a confused Kennedy, brandishing his own pistol as a panicked crowd watched on. “STOP RESISTING,” chimed in Etherington over the sickening sound of adolescent bones vaporizing under him. “CAN SHE BREATHE? MAKE SURE SHE CAN’T BREATHE,” reminded Kennedy, as the sound of five police helicopters and no less than fourteen German Shepherds cut the mid-afternoon air.

After landing some more blows, and a few kicks for good measure, Etherington and Kennedy set to work with their batons, toiling away like surgeons. Protesting bystanders were quickly rounded up and arrested for Obstructing Justice, and Obama’s limp body was dragged off into an awaiting police cruiser.

In an official statement released earlier today, Donovan Feinstein, an NYU spokesperson, wrote, “I am pleased to announce that NYU, in conjunction with the NYPD, has apprehended the notorious ‘Union Square Slasher.’ We will continue to work to keep our streets clean of filth and provide a sense of security to all who live in this great city.”