Author: Dan Quayle
While Packing, Freshman Has Trouble Deciding Between 100 Pack or 200 Pack of Condoms
While students slowly filter back into the city trying to find apartments, couches, and weed, incoming freshman Ryan Matterhees had a
Read moreLast Enthusiastic NYU Student Finally Admits Internship is Total Horse Shit
At approximately 3:07 PM on July 15th, the last enthusiastic intern of NYU finally threw in the towel and admitted
Read moreRobert De Niro Spends Entire Tisch Salute Speech Trying To Convince Audience That “Meet The Fockers” Was Critically Underappreciated
Although it seemed like a fun opening joke at first, after thirty-five minutes it became very apparent that Robert De
Read moreJunior Conquers Anxiety And Finally Masturbates In Front of Cat
After a semester of half-hearted masturbatory false starts in which Junior Chris Denning could not finish due to the intensity
Read moreStern Kid In Open Arts Class Not Fooling Anyone
Reported rumors that that one kid in your Open Arts class with the complete lack of a moral compass and
Read moreFreshman with 37 Meals Swipes Left Enjoys Popularity Surge
Freshman Rachel Ames is feeling peppy, radiant, and downright jubilant with her recent acquisition of friends due to a surplus
Read moreSafeRide Driver In Hot Water After Being Caught Slightly Drunker Than Student Passengers
According to NYU SafeRide Commissioner Gabriella Barnes, punishment was “swift and hard” after the University received word that 37-year-old Charlie
Read moreTisch Senior Excited For $200,000 Degree Representing Four Years Of Playing Pretend
Senior Brian McAdams came to New York University for world class faculty and and the outstanding drama program, and now
Read moreSome Fucking Idiot Tags Friend in Comments of NYU Snaps Post
Sophomore Miguel Guerrero took it upon himself to share with the world just how fucking good his taste in media
Read moreBREAKING: Senior Goes to Class
In a shocking turn of events, Senior Jessica Gernido has attended her lecture for “Dante’s World”. “I really didn’t see
Read moreNYU Bike Share Adds Two Tricycles and Broken Skateboard to Fleet
NYU’s Bike Share program took yet another step in its quest to promote the use of green technology around campus
Read moreBREAKING: Chance the Rapper Tragically Found Dead After Drowning In NYU Pussy
It comes with a heavy heart that we announce the death of a beloved cultural icon, Chance the Rapper, who
Read moreTypo in NYU Email Leads to Outrage about Scheduled “Chance the Raper” Performance
After the NYU Minute arrived in every student’s inbox on Tuesday, a flurry of anger and disgust erupted from the
Read moreThird North Residence Hall President Still Hasn’t Fulfilled Campaign Promises of Taco Tuesdays; The People Revolt
The rioting broke out at 8:18 PM on Tuesday night, when hungry, exasperated mobs of students finally took to physical
Read moreMalia Obama Beaten, Jailed During NYU Tour after NYPD Mistake Her for Armed Black Man
On any other day, Malia Obama might have said a normal tour of Weinstein Residence Hall was the worst possible
Read moreAs One of Largest Snow Storms in NYC History Nears Manhattan, Alison Leary Readies Herself For Long Night of Self-Pleasure
Winter Storm Juno is shaping up to be one of the worst snow storms ever to hit Manhattan, according to
Read moreNYU Alternative Breaks: Students Thrilled About Solving Poverty, Newly Acquired Profile Picture
This winter break, NYU students traveled across the country and globe to explore political and social community dynamics in order
Read moreStern Cancels Business Ethics Class After No One Signs Up
NYU Stern spokesman Pierre-Joseph Proudhon announced late Monday night that the Business Ethics 101 class that was to be offered
Read moreMorgan Spurlock Films “Super Size Me”-Style Documentary With Third North Dining Hall: Develops 8 Types of Stomach Cancer
Academy Award-Nominated documentary filmmaker Morgan Spurlock recently announced the completion of a documentary made in the style of his hit Super
Read moreTwo Dead, Three Wounded, After Impromptu Hockey Game Gets Out Of Hand At Flurry
NYU’s Inter-Residence House Council’s annual tradition of bussing students to Central Park to enjoy an evening of having no fucking
Read moreManager Skeptical of Pike Brother Applying for Internship in City Morgue
Sophomore Jason Stephenson, a member of Pi Kappa Alpha fraternity, has recently applied to an internship with the NYC Office
Read moreGallatin Student’s Vocabulary Reduced to Only the Word “Problematic”
After weeks of endlessly calling people out on the internet and in person, Gallatin Sophomore Gabby Rubinoff has been rendered
Read moreNYU Announces Coles Will Be Turned Into an Enormous Gallery of Professors’ Wrinkly Dongs
New York University announced yesterday the long-rumored transformation of Coles’ Fitness Center into an art gallery showcasing the penises of
Read moreFreshman Has No Idea What To Do With Life After Finishing Finals and Being Released From Bobst
Although freshman Sam Brooks couldn’t stop thinking about being done with finals and finally “getting out” all week while studying,
Read moreOtherkin Student Association Starts “I, too, also, am NYU” Campaign
NYU’s Otherkin Student Association, a group of students who believe themselves to be partially or entirely nonhuman, has started a
Read moreBREAKING: Hayden Hall Will Undergo Renovations to become John Sexton’s Personal Gold Vault, à la Scrooge McDuck
Citing his insatiable need to have more money than he could reasonably use and his extreme joy at seeing
Read moreWashington Square News’ April Fools’ Issue Includes Uncomfortable Amount of Racial Humor
Washington Square News’ annual April Fools’ publication has found the paper in hot water after extreme racial humor that was
Read moreNew Race of Subterranean LL1-Dwellers Develops In Bobst During Midterm Season
NEW YORK — After not leaving Bobst for 48 straight hours, CAS Junior Mikayla Malencia noticed that she had started
Read moreAdmissions Ambassadors Finding It Difficult to Talk While Also Licking John Sexton’s Salty Nuts
NEW YORK, NY — After realizing his entire tour group was staring at him blankly, Admissions Ambassador Parker Moses realized
Read moreReport: Stern Full of Synergy, Other Business Things
NEW YORK, NY — An internal report released this morning confirmed that NYU’s Stern School of Business is brimming with
Read moreNYU Adopts Bitter Rivalry With Local Community College
NEW YORK, NY — Stating that the move is a much needed panacea for the widespread lack of school spirit, NYU
Read moreJosie’s Now Selling Cocaine Out Of Vending Machines
NEW YORK, NY — In response repeated incidents of cocaine dealing between patrons and bouncers, owners of popular campus drinkery Josie
Read moreNYU To Change Motto from “Perstare et Praestare” to “Brace Yourself. Winter is Coming”
Citing the overwhelming number of casualties from Winter Storm Pax and the stubborn desire to keep the university open at
Read more“Check your privilege,” Says Extremely Privileged Student Going to NYU
NEW YORK, NY–After hearing a female student complain to her about how hard it is to find guys in Tisch,
Read more“This definitely isn’t Stats 101, but I’ve already been in the classroom for an hour”
Georg Stuffens, freshman, showed up to his first Statistics 101 class in Silver fresh on Wednesday morning, ready to open
Read moreFreshman Eagerly Anticipating Return to 10”x15” Triple Dorm
GREENWICH, CONN–After having weeks of access to an emotionally supportive family, warm home-cooked meals, and his very own private bed,
Read moreBREAKING: Stern Student Forced to Make Small Talk with Possibly Stoned Gallatin Student
Finance and Econ double major Steven Michaels found himself trapped in a devastatingly awkward conversation with a disgruntled and barely
Read moreFreshman Almost Doesn’t Burn Her Mac And Cheese In The Microwave This Time
NEW YORK, NY–After having almost an entire semester to correctly follow the directions on the packaging of every Easy-Mac container,
Read moreFreshman From Nebraska Attempts to Use Gelt at Duane Reade, Breeds a Deep Distrust of the Jewish People
NEW YORK , NY–Mike Parnell, from Creighton, Nebraska, recently overcame his deeply held fears of Judaism and decided to attend
Read moreFreshman From Nebraska Buys Rare Octopus Lighter for $200; Turns Out to Just Be a Menorah
Fig. 1 – Rare Octopus Lighter NEW YORK, NY–After spending $200 at the Brooklyn Flea Market on what
Read moreFreshman From Nebraska Overwhelmed By Hanukkah
NEW YORK, NY – Mike Parnell, 18, a native of Creighton, Nebraska, had only met one Jewish person in his
Read moreGallatin Sophomore is Disgusted by Boarding Procedure on Flight Home
NEW YORK, NY–Noah Goldstein watched in horror as United Airlines flaunted its ableist, ageist, heteronormative policies as they asked passengers
Read moreStudy: Residential Assistants Detrimental to Student Mental Health
NEW YORK, NY–After a decade of rigorous research, the NYU Department of Applied Psychology announced today that Resident Assistants are
Read moreBREAKING: Student Who Posted On NYU Secrets Can’t Stop Vigorously Masturbating
NEW YORK, NY–Reports are now coming in that 19-year-old Tisch sophomore Michael Hawkins simply cannot overcome the compulsion to pleasure
Read moreCAS Sophomore Says “That’s So Gay”, is Torn to Pieces By Gays
NEW YORK, NY–While viewing Mapplethorpe’s “Self-Portrait”, in which the artist sticks a riding crop in his own anus, in the
Read moreReport: 77% Percent Of Students Feel Directionless In This Godless Place Known As New York, Other 23% Love Going To Clubs
NEW YORK, NY—A new report released today by the NYU Dept of Psychology revealed that 77% of NYU students felt
Read moreFreshman Takes iPhone into Bathroom to Masturbate
NEW YORK, NY—Noting that before college he could previously turn any room, kitchen, garage, or foyer into an impromptu yank
Read moreCAS Sophomore Feeling “Pretty Good” About Joke Tweet
NEW YORK, NY—Patting himself on the back as he watched his Twitter notifications, sophomore Timothy Harris “was delighted” about the
Read moreWi-Fi in Gram Goes Out for Fifteen Minutes, Chaos, Murder, and Blood Orgies Ensue
NEW YORK, NY—After losing Wi-Fi access for 15 minutes today, Gramercy Green Residence Hall erupted in a post-apocalyptic outbreak of
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